I’m thinking a about blaming vs taking responsibility today because recently I began to examine this issue. How much of my own life has really been “controlled” by other people. This morning I came to the conclusion that no one else controlled my life. I had single handedly made every decision that led me to this beautiful life I have right now, good or bad.
I was in danger of becoming one of those bitter sour old ladies. When things didn’t go the way I wanted I blamed others, blamed myself then criticized others and mostly lashedout at myself. I thought somehow I had to “make it right”. Whatever that meant. In this mind set I missed the most important part of the salvation that Jesus gives us, grace and forgiveness.
The funny thing is that the thing I was mad at my husband about last week left me blaming him for something then I realized that I was at least 50% of that decision, probably more. But what did I do? I blamed him. But was that enough? No, I couldn’t really lash out at him because I was in on the decision making so what did I do? I blamed myself. I began a regular series of internal lashings for being so dumb to not know the future.
There are two different issues here: fortune telling and blaming both are self destructive. I will save fortune telling for another blog. Blaming however is our topic today.
I discovered this idea of blaming many years ago so I developed a slogan, mantra. Blame shame stopper…Responsibility Joy Go.
At the time I was reading and learning what this was but I didn’t really get it. I knew I was doing it but I didn’t really understand how to stop it or what blaming really was.
What is blaming:
“He, she, you did that to me. I was fine over here until you walked up and kicked me. Everyone always kicks me. Why is he, she, you doing that to me.” Then comes the shame. I must have done something to cause this to happen (see here is a glimmer of responsibility but it is corrupted.) Then comes the stopping. Sitting in misery rehashing what was “done to you”, what “I have to do”, “what I’m missing out on” is stuck in bitterness, loneliness, isolation, pain and misery. Where is God? Jesus? no where to be found in this mindset. See God won’t even answer my prayers. I am ______ fill in the blank of negative self-talk.
Results are bad health, bitterness, a negative attitude and lashing out at others, criticizing others, and more commonly criticizing yourself.
Ultimately loss of forgiveness from Jesus because he does not forgive a sin that we are blaming on other people. That’s what we think, of course, He is forgiving us because that is who He is. We just won’t experience the grace he has to offer us because we are not in the mindset to receive forgiveness for ourselves or dish it out to others.
While wandering around America I have met many unhappy ladies. Ladies in their retirement years. At risk of over-generalizing they all seemed to have the same issue. Each person complained of doing what they “had” to do. Ironically young mothers don’t seem to complain about this so much. Maybe the joy of children compensates for the “have to do” feeling. The retired crowd, however, have done the “have tos” for a lifetime.
I love to ask new acquaintances “What do you do in your retirement? All the things you always wanted to do? Travel, art, or write that novel you have always dreamed of.” They often respond with “I’m too busy for that”. They say with a sad far away look in their eyes. One lady many years ago said, “No, I’m doing things I have to do like taking care of my parents and volunteering at the church.
In my personal observation, devout Christian women seem to be the most unhappy and bitter of the retired ladies. Joyce Meyers noticed the same trend in her daily devotional “Trusting God Day by Day”. “I think some people have a perception that Christianity is cold, impersonal, and joyless. That’s because many who call themselves Christians have sour attitudes and sad faces. They are critical of others and quick to judge.” She goes on to suggest that working too much for God can become a pride issue or something else and if you can’t serve the church with joy, stop. Jesus said that His burden is light. If we get so worn out by serving at the church that we can no longer feel our joy then we have a choice to make. No one in the United States of America is forcing anyone to do anything. Whether we want to accept it or not it is our choice.
If you are feeling overly tired, unfulfilled, sour, bitter or taken advantage of right now, grab a piece of paper or notepad on your phone and make a list of 3 things that you always wanted to do. Hopefully this is not be rich as Paris Hilton. Name three things that you could realistically do for example, take up art, sculpture, writing, hiking, learn tennis, golf or dancing. Then talk with your family and schedule time to do one of those things this year. We have choices.
Many women feel their creativity must fall under the proverbs 31 umbrella and their creativity must be in the textile arts. If this is what you truly enjoy then go for it. I have one friend that is truly creative in that area. When she talks about it she lights up and she makes all sorts of creative things. It delights her and all of us just to see her light turn on when she shows her creations. Others have turned it into a factory assembly line taking all the creativity and fun out of it and making it into a chore. No thanks.
Remember that Proverbs 31 was written by the mother of a leader on what her wishes were for her future daughter-in-law. (Plus in those days, men could have multiple wives. It would take 100 wives to fulfill Proverbs 31) So maybe we should not mold our lives on an extreme mother-in-law’s wish list. What if you are a fine artist in water color or Acrylic. or a writer, poet, blogger, photographer or something else no one has ever even thought of yet? Does God want us to be stuck in an old Testament proverb when we have the New Testament spirit dwelling inside of us bursting with all the creativity of the universe? No Way!
So back to the lady taking care of her parents and the church. She didn’t seem to think that she had ever had a choice in what she does on a daily basis. She seemed so unhappy, bitter, tired, and disappointed all at once. This was just one story of hundreds that I heard while traveling around the country talking to retired women mainly in churches.
Responsibility .. Freedom.. Joy… Go
I woke up this morning and realized that I was responsible for that incident I was mad about. I suddenly understood that blaming myself was not taking responsibility because that comes with value added judgement: “I did that because I was talked into it and I am stupid for listening to that person.” Instead I suddenly realized that I am 100% responsible for that event. I am not going to blame my husband or even myself. I take 100% responsibility for that event. I had a choice. I chose it. It didn’t turn out the way I had hoped. I suffered a consequence. I learned from it. I made better choices next time. I am free to make a choice. I made a choice. I am free.
The exhilaration of knowing that I was truly free is life altering. My body chemistry immediately shifted. No longer did I close my mind into that gray area of doom, gloom and blame. I felt light and airy and fun and colorful. Then comes joy.
I remember times in my life that I literally lost my Joy. I went on a search like Peter Pan and his shadow. I thought I had to sneak up on my Joy, trick her, sow her to the bottom of my feet, post pictures everywhere in my house reminding me of her to have her. But it isn’t true. Joy lives in my throat all the time. She hides when my voice externally or internally is cruel or untruthful. In the case of the blaming, both. And for that, who could blame her.
However, when I say to myself, “I take 100% responsibility for this decision” then I get to watch it play out. No longer in a blaming mindset, I won’t hide my eyes in shame if it goes south and don’t feel like taking the credit if it goes well. With responsibility I can observe, be open, be aware. I am free. I can feel my joy, my peace, my faith whether the decisions ends up good or bad. I go into the future not stuck in the moment like that old U2 song.
I go!
So, ladies. Yes you may have to take care of a parent, work at the church, volunteer at the PTA. But guess what? That is your choice. At least in America we still have these kinds of choices. Yes, you may disappoint someone but if that activity does not bring your joy out make a decision to do it or don’t do it. But whatever you do, make the decision that you chose it. Because God gave us free will and he expects us to exercise it.
No one makes someone volunteer their time. If you’re like me, you would rather paint pictures of little dogs and butterflies than volunteer at church. Do it with joy and not blaming or false guilt.
Of course I’m not saying shirk our regular responsibilities like the dishes or changing diapers but realize that you take 100% responsibility for these tasks and your joy will show up and your life will be filled with little moments of glee and excitement just from doing the dishes and not feeling like you were made to do the dishes.
We are not slaves or servants in America. We are free. As Christians we are not slaves to sin. Jesus set us free. His burden is light. If what you are doing does not feel light. Then is it time to reevaluate. Take a break or tell them “this no longer works for me.” Until you can do those things from your own choice and not from a feeling of obligation. Imagine a church where everyone did this! It would be the kind of gathering Jesus had in mind in the first place.
This is why God gave us free will. He wanted us to love him. Love him of our own free will. I enjoy the old Eddie Murphy movie “Coming to America” He was a prince from another country and came and pretended to be a fast food worker to find a wife who would love him for who he was and not because he was a prince. He came to America because we are free to make our own choices even as women. Of course it worked out for Eddie Murphy and it is working out for God too.
We love him and work diligently every day to serve our Lord, Jesus. He wants us to serve him joyfully and by choice.
Imagine your life today letting go of blame…shame..stop and embraceing 100% responsibility…freedom…joy…Go!
The very first commandment God gave Adam and Eve was Go!
Back to that issue I was mad at my husband over and blaming myself. I had been so busy focusing on the loss and blaming and being stuck in that moment that I hadn’t even noticed that I had already learned from the mistake and had greatly benefited more than I would have if I had never made that “bad” decision in the first place. It turned out to be an open door to a whole new realm of possibilities. How exciting is that! By the way, that result was there the whole time. I just couldn’t see it through my bitter and sour attitude. Once I took responsibility it was like taking off my gray goggles and being able to see all the beautiful colors of the world.
I can’t wait for you to feel the blame and shame literally lift off of your body, mind and soul when you put this into practice. Will we get it right every time on every issue? No way. Every incident is different, every hurt real. However, in the midst of pain remember that you are not to blame yourself or others. Not just accepting or even taking but seize 100% of the responsibility and watch what happens next as your freedom and joy kick in. Your “Go” will be so powerful it can not be stopped!
Let your joy go and go and go!
