In today’s America we have no process for dealing with loss. As a result, each of us carry a heavy burden of a lifetime of losses with no hope of relief. Our sense of loss ranges from deaths of loved ones to divorce to your sports team losing to your candidate losing an election to losing a home to fire or flood to a computer crash causing loss of important documents or pictures to loss of a job or business to a stock market crash. This has caused many to become bitter, angry, hostile, drug or alcohol abusers, extreme hoarders, and even violent.
Some other cultures have traditions that date back thousands of years to deal with loss. I had a friend in college that only owned black clothes. That was weird in the 1980’s age of hot pink and turquois. She explained to me that her grandmother had passed and she had been required by her culture to wear only black for one year as a sign of mourning. The year had passed a few weeks prior but she had not felt like her morning was over just yet so she continued to wear black a few more months until she felt better.
This showed her community that she was in mourning. Others gave her a break and treated her with kindness during this time.
In America we take no such time to mourn. No one gives us a break especially ourselves. We are expected to go right back to work from funerals, failed super bowls, or failed marriages. We learn as we go through life that we must not even let on that we have a loss for fear that others will take advantage of us and abuse us during our vulnerable state. Wearing black as a sign of mourning would not be advisable in today’s America. The vultures would pick the poor persons bones. So, we must keep our grief private.
If it is so bad as all that how can anyone ever be happy in America. People are smiling all over the place. Some of us have learned how to deal with our loss and move quickly back into joy.
We need to build a new American tradition and pass it on to our kids so they will know how to deal with loss and disappointment without abusing drugs, alcohol or violence.
Since we deal with some kind of loss everyday and we have many built up losses that have not been dealt with, this practice is helpful when done every day. Ironically, I wrote this blog a few days ago on my phone notepad. Just as I selected it to post it, I dropped my phone and accidentally deleted the entire blog. I let out an exclamation of loss that alerted my husband that something was wrong. “I just lost my blog post on loss.” We both busted out laughing. I quickly morphed into this process to deal with the loss of the loss blog. I felt better immediately. I had hesitated on posting it but then determined that this blog was more important that I had at first thought. It really does work on the small things (losing a blog post) to the big things recovering from a death of a loved one, divorce or house fire.
Let’s get to the details of how this works.
- Find a quiet place to be alone. The morning is most commonly the best time because everyone is not awake. Sit or lay comfortably in your quiet alone place.
- Take five very deep breaths, pay attention to your breathing. Notice how your belly raises and lowers with each breath. Relax into each breath feeling your shoulders lower from your ears and your ears loosen on the inside.
- Keep your focus on the present moment. This is the time between past and future. It may be difficult at first because we rarely stay in the present moment. We are always thinking about the past losses or regrets or worrying about the future and how to control it. Here in the present moment no loss, regret, worry or control exists. You simple just are you being you. Breath and just be. Feel the texture of your clothes on your skin. Observe what sounds you hear coming from outside or your house, a bird, the refrigerator hum. Observe the life feeling that comes from being in the present moment. The present moment had no beginning and no end. It is eternity. This is where God lives. You are feeling the source of all life, God, Jesus. The presence of the eternal life force.
If you are having trouble finding the present moment, think of a popcorn kernel popping. The moment of the pop is the present moment. Visualize this moment over and over until you can be there and feel it.
- You will have thoughts coming into your mind during this time. That is ok just observe the thought as though it is a movie you are watching. Breath deep. Now choose one of the thoughts that is troubling you today. It may be a big loss or something small. Pick just one for today. Observe that loss without emotion like it were someone elses.
- Now allow yourself to feel the loss. (What? Isn’t the point to avoid pain? You say.) You will not implode, it will not be permanent, you will find you way out of the pain. Remember you are in the present moment with the eternal life force. You are safe. Allow yourself to feel the loss. You may start to shake or cry but keep breathing. Stay in the loss for a few moments.
- Now put your right hand on your left shoulder and your left hand on your right shoulder. Give yourself a hug. Release love to yourself. As though you were comforting your child or beloved best friend love yourself. Tell yourself that you are okay. You are loved and you had a loss and you are loved. Remember you are in the present moment with God and you have His eternal spring of love. Lavish all the love on yourself that you can no longer give to your loved one or other loss. The main problem with a loss is that we can no longer love it or dote over it. Turn this love and devotion back to yourself and love yourself in this present moment.
- Thank God for His love. Thank Him for His healing power and his forgiveness.
- Pray for what you need at this moment. Peace, Joy, healing, love. He will generously give it to you in abundance.
- Worship Him. Tell God He is Holy, Holy, Holy. Your Lord God Almighty. In your own words tell him words of Praise and Worship him. For this you may want to get on our knees if you feel you want to.
- Come back to your breathing. Focus on the present moment come back to yourself, smile, open your eyes. You feel refreshed, peaceful, and ready for what’s next.
- Trust that you’re really healed because you are. The only person that can bring back the pain is you. Trust and believe it is okay to let go of the pain. Start up your propeller to soar above the pain and loss looking down on it from the clouds with peace and joy.
- You may need to do this exercise more than one time on serious losses. Each time it will get easier and leave you more and more at peace. Do this for each thing but just one at a time or it is too overwhelming. Always choose the first thing that pesters you when you going into deep breathing. That will be the foremost trouble on our mind.
Once you are practiced at this process you will find yourself going through these steps automatically to immediately deal with every king of loss like I did with losing the loss blog. No one will ever know what you are doing since it will be in you mind they will just see a person who can handle anything, anything!
Here is a summery that you can copy and put in your note pad or somewhere to remind you.
- Find a quiet alone place.
- Breath
- Be in the present moment, the now.
- Observe the pain
- Allow yourself to feel the loss.
- Give yourself the love you need.
- Thank God.
- Pray for what you need
- Worship
- Come back to the present.
- Trust
We hope that this process that has brought us so much healing resulting in true peace, joy and freedom helps you as well.
Peace, love and joy to you,
Kim
Kimfrostpinkney.com
